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November 20th, 2001

A man meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man couldn’t help but ask, “How did you get the peg leg?”


“We were in a storm at sea,” replies the pirate, “and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, one of which bit my leg off.”


“Wow! What about your hook?” the man asks.


“We were boarding an enemy ship, and battled the other sailors with swords, one of whom cut off my hand,” replies the pirate.


“Incredible! What happened to your eye?” asks the man.


“A seagull dropping fell into it,” replies the pirate.


“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the man asks incredulously.


The pirate shrugged. “Yeah, it was my first day with the hook.”

 

 

May 21st, 2001

Every second, billions of innocent assembler instructions are executed all over the world. Inhumanly, they are put on a pipeline and executed with no regard for their feelings. The illegal instructions are spared, although it could be argued that they should be executed instead of the legal ones.


Prior to the executions, the instructions are transported to a cache unit using a bus. There they spend their last moments waiting to be executed. Just before the execution, the instruction is separated into several pieces...a terribly inhumane practice by anyone's standards! The execution itself isn't always fast and painless, either. On crude hardware, the execution of a complex instruction can take as long as 150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution times.


Microsoft endorses the needless execution of instructions with their products like Windows(TM), Word(TM) and Excel(TM).


It is widely held that it is more humane to use software which minimizes the executions required to perform a given task, but the execs at Microsoft just don't seem to care.


Some modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions simultaneously. This way, it is possible to execute several hundred million instructions per second. The time is near when there may be no more instructions left to execute.


ACT NOW to stop these needless executions before it's too late!

 

 

April 29th, 2001

Princess Photographer

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. Then she took
the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished
photos.

The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.

Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry, Miss White. Someday
your prints will come.

 

 

November 27th, 2000

Cat Food Surprise

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner.

"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "The cat food didn't kill him. He died when he fell from the mantel while licking himself."

 

 

September 26th, 2000

Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"

Man #1: I was a doctor.
St. Peter: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. Peter: And what did you do on Earth?

Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. Peter: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. Peter: And what did you do on Earth?

Man #3: I was a musician.
St. Peter: Go around the back side, in through the security entrance, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen, down the hall.....


 

July 28th, 2000

Three Composers

A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring several top movie stars.

Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis were present.

The producers allowed each man to choose which famous composer they would portray.

Stallone said, "I'll play Beethoven."

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Mozart."

Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."

 

 

July 19th, 2000

Very Slow Delivery

A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin............................................and tonic."

The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"

The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."

 

 

June 21st, 2000

One-Hour Glasses

You know those one hour eye glass places they have in the malls these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch the people grind the lenses?

The other day I was watching one of those guys through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder.

He made a spectacle of himself.