| |
|
|
November 20th, 2001
A man meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a
peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man couldn’t help but
ask, “How did you get the peg leg?”
“We were in a storm at sea,” replies the pirate, “and
I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, one of which bit
my leg off.”
“Wow! What about your hook?” the man asks.
“We were boarding an enemy ship, and battled the other sailors
with swords, one of whom cut off my hand,” replies the pirate.
“Incredible! What happened to your eye?” asks the man.
“A seagull dropping fell into it,” replies the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the man asks
incredulously.
The pirate shrugged. “Yeah, it was my first day with the hook.”
|
| |
|
May 21st, 2001
Every second, billions of innocent assembler instructions
are executed all over the world. Inhumanly, they are put on a pipeline
and executed with no regard for their feelings. The illegal instructions
are spared, although it could be argued that they should be executed
instead of the legal ones.
Prior to the executions, the instructions are transported to a cache
unit using a bus. There they spend their last moments waiting to
be executed. Just before the execution, the instruction is separated
into several pieces...a terribly inhumane practice by anyone's standards!
The execution itself isn't always fast and painless, either. On
crude hardware, the execution of a complex instruction can take
as long as 150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on shorter execution
times.
Microsoft endorses the needless execution of instructions with their
products like Windows(TM), Word(TM) and Excel(TM).
It is widely held that it is more humane to use software which minimizes
the executions required to perform a given task, but the execs at
Microsoft just don't seem to care.
Some modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions
simultaneously. This way, it is possible to execute several hundred
million instructions per second. The time is near when there may
be no more instructions left to execute.
ACT NOW to stop these needless executions before it's too late!
|
| |
|
April 29th, 2001
Princess Photographer
Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their
surroundings. Then she took
the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the
finished
photos.
The clerk said the photos were not back from the
processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started
to cry.
The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't
worry, Miss White. Someday
your prints will come.
|
| |
|
November 27th, 2000
Cat Food Surprise
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying
a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no!
I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to
really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't
have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the
cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food.
In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg,
and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled
up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror
as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really
enjoyed his dinner.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you have made
for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any
old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then
on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge
cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were
sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies
said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food
every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly
and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "The cat food didn't
kill him. He died when he fell from the mantel while licking himself."
|
| |
|
September 26th, 2000
Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting
to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?"
Man #1: I was a doctor.
St. Peter: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. Peter: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. Peter: Go right through those pearly gates.
St. Peter: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a musician.
St. Peter: Go around the back side, in through the security entrance,
up the freight elevator, through the kitchen, down the hall.....
|
| |
|
July 28th, 2000
Three Composers
A top movie producer was discussing his new project
- an action docudrama about famous composers starring several top
movie stars.
Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis were
present.
The producers allowed each man to choose which
famous composer they would portray.
Stallone said, "I'll play Beethoven."
Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Mozart."
Schwarzenegger said, "I'll be Bach."
|
| |
|
July 19th, 2000
Very Slow Delivery
A Polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a gin............................................and
tonic."
The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear says, "I dunno, I've always had them."
|
| |
|
June 21st, 2000
One-Hour Glasses
You know those one hour eye glass places they have
in the malls these days where you can stand in the hallway and watch
the people grind the lenses?
The other day I was watching one of those guys
through the glass when he tripped and fell into his grinder.
He made a spectacle of himself.
|
|